Hello world,
Thank you for stopping by to read what’s on my mind. It has been one of my childhood dreams to run a blog so this is a dream come true. I’m starting a blog because I wanted a place for me to talk endlessly about my own creative and healing journey. And also so that I can ramble on about my favorite songs and what’s on my playlist :)
I have so many ideas buzzing in my head and I’m ready to share all the stories, lessons, and resources that are valuable to me. No gatekeeping around here!
Let me run down the basics:
I am currently twenty-five years old. I like to call myself a multi-faceted free-spirited soul. I am a self-proclaimed moonchild who loves watching the sunset while vibing to music (my top genres are K-pop and R&B). You can get a glimpse of my personality through my big three: Cancer Sun, Aries Rising, and Leo Moon. For those who aren’t familiar with astrology; it means I have a very emotional and intuitive nature that allows me to dream endlessly (Cancer Sun). I also have a passionate desire to get shit done efficiently and pave my path in life (Aries rising). In between chasing my dreams, I also love to have fun by expressing myself through my creativity (Leo Moon). This is personally how I see my big three working for me.
I’m no astrology expert but I do believe that it can be a great tool to help understand one’s personality. I could easily tell you all the labels that I attach myself to like graphic designer, first-generation Asian American, 25-year-old millennial, etc. Of course, these are important to me too, but they don’t tell you about who I really am without the labels.
“You are the only you there is and ever will be.”
One of my guiding values in life is to live and embrace the most authentic version of me in this lifetime. To me, that means expressing myself as Jenny without the conditioned limiting beliefs that I grew up with. A Jenny who isn’t performing for others or wearing a clown mask. This Jenny is the Jenny that lives her life the way she wants without giving a fuck about what other people think or say.
It’s not the labels that wear us down, but our attachments to them.
Just be yourself - it sounds simple, right? Well to me that never felt like an option. Growing up as a first-generation Asian American in a dysfunctional household affected my development tremendously. That sentence alone is enough to imply that I grew up with a lot of generational trauma. My dad’s family starved on a boat for days to make their way to America, how could that trauma not be passed down?
At a young age, I told myself that I should work hard and make lots of money so that I will never suffer and feel the same pain that I felt from my traumas. I conditioned myself to live that way out of survival. I defined my success by my achievements and attached my self-worth to the numbers in my bank account. I was always attached to some sort of label.
First-generation low-income Asian American. University of Washington graduate. Scholarship winner. Graphic Designer. Freelancer. Only child. Broken child.
I was tired of chasing things left and right just to crown myself with another label that I knew would be too heavy for me anyways.
I kept doing the conventional thing until it didn’t work for me anymore.
When you attach your entire self-worth to achieving a result, you will do whatever it takes to achieve it. Success to me meant doing what everyone does to “succeed” in life. We all know that’s capitalism’s idea of success.
College, internships, degree, 9-5, buy a car, buy a house, retire. The clog in a machine pipeline.
I landed my first 9-5 in February of 2020, a month before covid. It was my first official graphic designer role at a dental school. I have no interest in dentistry whatsoever but it was a job that I really needed at the time.
I spent exactly one year at that job before I called it quits in February of 2021. I was burnout and I knew deep down that I was extremely unhappy because this position didn’t allow me to grow the way I wanted to creatively. This was an extremely hard decision because I knew I was walking away from what felt the safest to me, financial security.
One of my best friends always told me that hitting rock bottom is a good thing because the only way you can go from there is up.
When I quit my 9-5, it took about only two weeks before my anxiety crept up on me. I was supposed to be recovering from burnout but I felt so weighted down by the uncertainty of my future. I had nothing lined up for me next. No job, no school, nothing. The uncertainty felt so scary and overwhelming because I was so used to going to school and working at the same time. I had so much free time that it naturally started the beginning of my much-needed healing journey with my childhood trauma. I spent my entire life running away from that pain and the second I had free time for myself, it came at me in full force.
A few months into unemployment, I encountered some serious physical health issues and I ended up spending the rest of 2021 physically and mentally recovering. It’s not an exaggeration to say that I spent most of 2021 alternating between being anxious and depressed.
I had built up some savings before quitting but it wasn’t long before the numbers in my bank account started to tank. The scary part wasn’t just the numbers going down, but witnessing my self-worth go down too. I consistently had emotional breakdowns and severe panic attacks. Being broke stressed me out but trying to apply for jobs stressed me out even more. In the end, I shut down. Just like turtles and snails retreating into their shells for safety, I retreated to my shell. I isolated myself and stayed in my room almost 24/7.
As I went into dormant mode…so did my motivation, courage, and desires.
2021 was not my first rock bottom, but it definitely felt like the sharpest one.
It doesn’t matter how many times you fall, as long as you know to pick yourself up every time.
I’m naturally the type of person who can’t sit around for too long and I knew that I had to start doing something. Anything. In early 2022, my courage and I slowly came out of hibernation.
Though my body and mind didn’t feel ready, my heart knew that I was done living in constant fear. Done living with a victim mindset. Done with making myself suffer.
One of the most pivotal points for me was finding Sam on TikTok and joining her Massive Manifestation program. I subconsciously asked the universe for guidance and that was what I found through Sam. This will have to be another post but I spent 12 weeks with a group of women learning how to manifest and start this new chapter of healing and spirituality.
It was a decision I made out of love, which I didn’t realize at the time, but it was the reason why I cried the moment I told Sam I was ready to commit to her program. I knew I was about to start something life-changing for myself. I was determined to take control of my life again and actively live my life based on my terms. I wanted to make my dreams come true and live as my true self.
I don’t believe in miracles but I do believe in the stars aligning.
My desire to live my dream life led me to embark on this journey of self-healing and manifesting. I spent the majority of 2022 learning how to pave my way in my career and life. So many things started changing for me and for the first time in a long time, I started to feel like myself again. This website is a result of one of my manifestations. And now this blog! Not only am I able to embrace my unconventional journey now but I’m able to have some fun along the way.
I knew the stars had to align for me to pick myself back up again. It was all a matter of time.
Why a blog?
I started writing in my diary when I was 8 years old; my first diary entry was written in 2006. I picked up journaling because of two reasons, I had a really cute notebook laying around and I was bored. Plus, my parents were at work all the time so I had to learn how to entertain myself at a young age. Only child right here. I naturally picked up journaling as a hobby and it become one of my favorite outlets to express myself.
I’m 25 now and I have been actively journaling for 17 years now; with over 20 journals filled front to back!
I found my way to blogging shortly after I started journaling. I tried blogging (privately) on every blog platform that I could find, but I was never satisfied with any of them. Blogger, BlogSpot, LiveJournal, WordPress, Tumblr, you name it - I’ve tried it. The platforms were either hard to navigate or had ugly designs.
There is no perfect time, but I can find the right time if I choose to.
I have always dreamed about having a public blog because there is so much that I want to share. But I never got around to doing it because I wasn’t confident enough. My fears always told me that nobody would want to read what I share. But now I’m at a place where I can say “fuck my fears.” Sam always told me to feel the fear and do it anyways.
I also didn’t have a platform that I liked enough to host my blog until now. I spent months redesigning my website until I was satisfied with this current version. Now that my website is complete, I knew I had to make time to start my official blog.
As for my confidence? Well, she’s not 100% on board but my soul could give fewer shits because life is too short to not do what we want to do. My confidence will catch up eventually!
What will I be sharing on my blog?
Anything and everything that I feel called to write about! A few ideas I have bookmarked so far:
How I taught myself graphic design
The best K-pop songs of all time according to me
How I heal my inner child (currently WIP)
Song lyrics that gave me comfort when I needed it the most
How I learned to believe in myself and my dreams
Growing up as a low-income first-generation Asian American
How I almost didn’t get my college degree
Scary and freaky health episodes
My anxiety and panic disorder
My favorite Korean dramas
Books that changed my life
Why I love BTS so much
One blog post can be deep and heart-wrenching while another can be light-hearted and fun. I don’t believe in niching down my blog because I’m curating a space to express myself freely and safely. (Something that I didn’t have a lot of while growing up)
I’m going to follow my heart and intuition for this blog which means there are no limits and the possibilities are endless. My only goal with my blog is to have fun with what I share! I hope this blog can naturally find the people who will resonate with what I talk about.
That’s all for now, thank you for reading!